BYE.

brother

It's been about three years under the same roof. We can still hang, but it won't be the same. Lay-ahs.

no explanation

I am struggling to describe how I feel right now. I am writing one of my finals, and for some reason I feel like I am blowing it (even though I am writing some GOLD right now).

Is there something that I am forgetting to do? Some huge project that I have procrastinated on so much, I actually pushed it out of my brain?

What I am feeling, for some reason, is guilt. It's like I have already failed.

My attempt to make myself feel better is to be realistic. I went through every class and figured my grade and what I need on the final. Easily I can get A's in some and B's in most. There is one good chance of a C.

I feel irrationally panicky. I cannot wait for grades to come out.

MY LIFE FOR THE NEXT FIVE DAYS

Revisions for my Research Proposal

Paper over the Oklahoma Ottawa
World Religions Chapter Reviews
Indigenous People Written Final (10-12 pgs)
Memorize 60 Artworks
A paper on "Doing Business in Australia"
A paper on "Aborigines in Australia" (know it like the back of my hand)
A massive Ethnic Relations test

PICTURE IS FROM MY 20TH BIRTHDAY. UH.... THERE WERE LOTS OF CANDLES
AND YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS (WHOEVER YOU ARE), IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

before night falls

Passing through the exploding streets,
since the pipes are ready to give out
passing around the buildings, we need to dodge,
since they are falling onto us,
between the hostile faces scrutinizing and sentencing us,
between the closed establishments,
closed markets,
closed movie theaters,
closed parks,
closed cafés.
Exhibiting already dusty signs (justifications) occasionally,
CLOSED FOR REFORMS,
CLOSED FOR REPARATION.
What kind of reparation?
When will this alleged reparation, alleged reform end?
When at least
will it begin?
Closed... closed... closed...
everything closed...
I arrive and open the innumerable locks, run up the improvised stairwell.
There she is waiting for me.
I discover her, remove the canvas and contemplate her dusty and cold
dimensions.
I get rid of the dust and caress her.
With the slightest brushes from my palms, I clean her back, her base, her
sides.
I feel desperate, happy, at her side, before her,
I run my hands over her keys, and rapidly, everything is set in motion.
The ta ta, the jingling, the music starts, little by little, already much
faster,
now, at the greatest velocity.
Walls, trees, streets,
cathedrals, faces and beaches,
cells, mini-cells,
giant cells,
starry night, naked
feet, pine groves, clouds
hundreds, thousands,
a million parrots
piano stools and a vine.
Everything shows up, everything arrives, everyone comes.
The walls expand, the ceiling disappears and, naturally, you float,
you float, float ripped apart, swept along,
elevated,
taken, transported, eternalized,
saved, for the sake of, and
for this miniscule and constant cadence,
for this music,
for this incessant jingling.

"The Parade Ends" Reinaldo Arenas
His life shakes me to the core. In his poem (about the Cuban revolution) I especially like, "Cerrado... Cerrado... Cerrado..., Todo Cerrado..." Javier Bardem does a pretty good interp, from the movie Before Night Falls.

jai ho

Last Friday I made it to Congregation Beth-Torah in Overland Park for their Simchat Shabbat service.  'Drew had spoken about his reformed congregation a little, but I had no idea how amazing one could be.  This was my first progressive religious experience.  Rabbi Levin talked to us for a few minutes after the service, and some of the douche-bags I was with asked some pretty inappropriate questions ("so... what purpose does a Jew have if they have no savior?"  Really?).  After distancing myself from him as much as possible, I talked to Hamburg's dad who I had spotted earlier.  

This is going to be another tough week, but I did pay for the rest of Australia.  That was really worrying me.

Peace and No Worries

I HAVE 9 FUCKING LIVES. SERIOUSLY.

addendum

I am sitting here, attempting to write my paper, and I am distracted. I can't help but think how great it would be if I were standing at the bottom of my driveway, playing with my Yak Bak and wearing my Starter jacket, waiting for the bus to arrive. I would hop on and me and Kyler would start chatting away, probably planning a trip to Worlds of Fun that would never happen (or some shit).

How great would it be? Being there again when the only worry in my world was if we were having chili with cinnamon roll or hamburgers for lunch. Ah, man fuck papers.

Youth and Young Manhood

Kamero 2.5-30mm/f2.8 lens mounted on a Minolta SRT 202

On a lark I grabbed some b/w film and shot a roll over the weekend. I can't say that I am entirely happy with my work (above), but I can tell it's improving. I stopped by Love Garden and bought a Kings of Leon CD. I think I like the newer Kings compared to older.

I was a bit of a shit head with the fam. Dad wanted me to go out for coffee with him this morning (5:45), but instead I laid on the couch. I also left my grandmas early.

Now I am writing two resarch critiques, eating body of Christ leftovers, and listening to hardcore country coming from the radio of one of the housing consumers. Skipping to Travis Tritt, ugh.

focus

Fireworks. Tokyo, Japan. 2008

things are in the air right now.

india.
rda.
e.l.c.
money.
l.a.

Tomorrow is the last day of group, but also all of my paperwork is due. I ordered my sister, Jesse, and the baby a book. I can't wait for it to arrive. If you want to see a real crock of shit, take a look at this little gem (sad face).

I was bored with the old banner, so I threw up another. It's of a young lady in Jiyugaoka waiting for the train to pass. I remember it being hot as fuck and I was excited to mess around with the exposure on my (then) new camera.

Too busy, so here is what I'm reading.

Unfriendly Fire: How the gay ban undermines the military and weakens America - Dr. Nathaniel Frank

Dr. Frank paints a pretty great picture of the reality of the gay ban in the US military, including a comprehensive history of heterosexist attitudes in the armed services.

Denying Aids - Seth Kalichman

The people Kalichman writes about are a threat to public health.

We're all in this together

I missed Old Crow Medicine Show playing in Australia by a month and a half. BOOOOO. They are pretty great.

uh.... shits cute.

Oh, Brooklyn Brooklyn take me IN

Exciting new song from The Avett Brothers, heard it last night from NPR's live feed of SXSW. GREAT!

Completed MANDT training. I can officially restrain clients now, what was I supposed to do before? I guess take a hit.

59 days til' Australia then L.A., hells yeeah

oh why can't i be?

photo by Crackerfarm

oh why can't i be in austin?? I am listening to the Avett Brothers streaming live from SXSW in Austin. The festival starts this weekend and I am not there, wah womp.

There is always next year. I am making some pretty heavy plans for next year..... hmmmmmmm.

lately i have been listening to: The Black Keys, The Black Lips, Beck, The Elders, Kings of Leon, The National

BIKE RIDE IN THE MORNING

this week in review

I have never been challenged academically like I was this past week. Writing my midterm for Indigenous People was difficult but rewarding. I was able to make direct application of course content to the Inuit, galvanizing the information in my little noggin. The presentation on Melbourne for my business class was a joke. It didn't take me that long to do my portion, and I think we did pretty well. I took my world religions Midterm, I don't think I did very well since I was falling asleep due to the all night-er I pulled (how college of me). An article review for Ethnic Relations over Muslim Americans wearing hijab and its contribution to forming a contemporary blended identity. Art History... blah bla bla blaha blah.

I am ready for two days of relaxation and drinking, then hitting the HW again. Wicka wow.

booted.

Well, Erika kicked nearly everyone out of class today (Sarah didn't). No one had read the article she assigned, something like five days ago. I felt bad because my 'side' of the classroom are the ones that always read and are pretty engaged in discussion. This weekend just wasn't for me. I wasn't sitting around, I was genuinely doing homework- just didn't have to time to read the articles. But tonight is going pretty different so far. I am doing homework now (besides writing this). Good for me.

Sorry Erika!

pour mars

Well, March is here. It came in cold as fuck, hopefully I'll be in shorts and flip-flops by April.

New banner up today. This one, unfortunately, I did touch up- I couldn't resist. I don't like to manipulate pictures to much, but I decided to have some fun this time. You can find the original here.

This is the Mombasa skyline seen from the roof of my hotel, where Hallie and I stayed in our mold infested room. We woke up and our heads felt like balloons. Buuuut, damn did Mombasa have some good Chicken Tikka.

NIGELS,

for some good food and tea. Really I shouldn't go out tonight, I don't have my critique done for Research Design. Technically, just making it through the week I think I maybe deserve a reward.

We'll see.

Last night I finished America Anonymous, but now I cannot decide what to move onto next. I am wanting something light since I have a shit ton of reading for school. Hmmmmm.

Also... I think I might start posting some of the academic articles I have been reading lately. Instead of the random scattering of literature I have been accessing, I am coming to a sharper point in what I am interested in researching: Gender, Orientation, Ascribed Roles, etc.

CRITICAL POINT

Everything is coming to a head, right... now. 1K to the school tomorrow, then rent and utilities, then a passport that I should have applied for last month. fuck fuck fuck. Two papers and a presentation for tomorrow.

Either I need to get all sorts of fucked up Friday, or do the right thing and take care of all of this shit.

No Worries (I wish)